So What Does My Kid Think About it All?

Notes from the field - 12 year old edition

On a recent drive from grandma and grandpa’s house, I thought it would be fun to interview my 12 year old on what he thought about all this *gestures to my mortician job and the fragility of life that surrounds us always.*

I had thought we might have some kind of philosophical discussion, or that he might have some insights into my own life that I don’t even have, and perhaps he did. I am glad we had the discussion, because it does inform me on what he has picked up on directly or indirectly from his lived experience with me as a parent.

What follows is an excerpt from our discussion and if you are one of those that listens along instead of reads - I did ask him to read his answers but he tapped out! With that said, he did give me permission to collect this information and share it with you, so please enjoy…

What do you think that I do? You do funerals and manage funeral homes

What work do I enjoy doing? Being a death doula - that’s been your thing now

What do you think a death doula does? Helps people dealing with death

Do you think that is important work to do? Yeah because sometimes people don’t always know what to do when somebody dies.

What is your relationship with death?- Thuy died (his Godmother)…

Do you think my job has made you more or less scared of death? Neither. It doesn’t really effect my views on death.

Do you feel like you have a better understanding of it than other people? No

Other kids? - Other kids, yes.

Is there anything you have learned about interacting with people who are grieving? Be nice to them and try to help them deal with their loss.

What did you think about living in a funeral home? The only thing I didn’t like was that I wasn’t able to run because of the people that were downstairs. I did like that I could go downstairs to get candy. I thought it was cool - you remember those bowls with like the butterscotch things? I liked those.

Was it scary? No. There was that room with the urns, and the other with the coffins. I didn’t know what the urns were, I thought they were just vases. I knew what the coffins were but they weren’t scary. (Editor’s note - coffins?! We don’t really call them coffins in American funeral service, so that was interesting. He tells me it’s because of Vampire movies)

Are you afraid of death? No.

You’re not?! It’s not really a fear. It happens…I am not afraid of it, it just happens.

Do you think it is important to have conversations about death? No, not unless somebody dies and you need to talk to somebody. (Editor’s note…wellllll spoken like someone who doesn’t know what it’s like NOT to talk about it)

What do you think about people making arrangements for their own funeral? I think it’s good if you want something specific to happen and you aren’t sure if they will do it for you. If you want something to happen, you should make that plan in advance.

Do you have a preference between burial or cremation? I would rather be buried without the coffin than be cremated. I feel like it’s weird that people get put in boxes because you can’t just decompose in a box. I just want to decompose into the ground. (Editor’s note - he’s not quite accurate but I get the sentiment) I feel like cremation is fine if you want to keep a remanent of someone or…you know when people go somewhere and throw the ashes? Cremation is ok if you want to be a part of somewhere that you had an attachment to.

How hard of a conversation was this to have right now? It wasn’t hard

Was it weird or uncomfortable or anything? No.

And that’s all, folks. A conversation in the car while one of us is driving and the other is playing his Switch and indulging his mom.

I didn’t want to tell you up there and blow the ending, but it was kind of a boring conversation. So boring, I almost didn’t share it with you.

But then I realized - that is the point. It’s boring because it’s normal. While we haven’t had this exact discussion, death is a topic of conversation constantly. Because he hasn’t learned to shy away from it, it’s as natural as talking about the weather. With that said, I am interested in his choice of burial - he and I have a similar preference.

Death is a way of life around this house, and I hope that by sharing this conversation, I give you permission to have your own, boring death conversations with your kids, should you choose.