Mother’s Day Grief
A note on Mother’s Day Grief (and some housekeeping)
Good morning and thank you for being here - from the bottom of my heart. I know that you have an endless source of education and entertainment options and, if you are here, you have made a choice to spend time with me. I hope it is a choice that makes your life better, so if there is something I can do in that regard, please let me know.
This month I begin a new project - in fact I will be tackling a bucket list item. In order to do that I will shift gears here and use the month to answer your questions. That means it will be less narrative and more educational, but with your specific needs in mind. If there is a topic you would like me to cover, please reply let me know and I will put it on the list!
For today, I am going to cover what feels like an extra sensitive topic. May can bring up a lot of feelings around Mother’s Day and I am going to answer a question about the holiday. This will be my one and only Substack on the matter this month.
Below I share information on supporting an adult who has lost a mother. A warning, I do briefly discuss child loss, which I know can be triggering and offer some links as additional resources.
Q: On Mother’s Day - how can I support someone who’s Mother has died?
The first thing to understand is that it doesn’t matter if the death happened years ago or if it is fresh - there is no time limit on grief and no telling where someone is currently falling on the grief scale. Pay attention to how they are acting and what they are saying, and take your cues from them - do not approach someone with the opinion that they should be “over it.”
Keep in mind that anger, depression, scatter-brained behavior and a short fuse can all be signs of grief - whether or not they even know it themselves. If you notice this in your friend or partner who has lost a mom, give them some grace.
You should allow space for them to share their stories if they feel like opening-up and practice accepting anything that comes out - good or bad. Sometimes people share things that aren’t so positive about their Mother, but that is a part of processing. This does not mean you should bash their parent as a way of being “empathetic,” rather you could acknowledge their feelings or ask open-ended questions so they might give their feelings some air.
If you knew their mom, you may share your own stories. By sharing a special memory or remembering how they made you feel, you are validating the importance of their mom in your life, too. If you don’t know their mom - ask her name. This one is simple but powerful. There is so much in a name and by asking, it shows you are leaning in to their loss, not pushing it away. This is often where I start when someone brings up the mother that they miss.
You may want to be available to do something meaningful - take part in some activity that calls the parent to mind, or even visit the gravesite. Mother’s Day is one of the most active days in cemeteries across the country, and your friend or partner may need support if they go.
And finally, when talking with your friend or partner, do not complain about your own parents. In most cases, they just want their mom back and would do anything to be annoyed by them one more time. Best you keep that to yourself for a bit.
What I have not touched on is how Mother’s Day may also be difficult for mothers who have lost children, and for adults who are cut off from their mothers - not to mention children going through the same.
Some of what I have mentioned is still applicable and if I could give you just one piece of advice for any of these situations it would be to use what I gave you last week - unconditional positive regard. Let them express themselves without judgement, and remember to be kind - not right.
If you’re looking for resources to feel less alone, to know we are in this together, you’re in the right spot.
May you get what you need this Month, and always.