When Life Gets In the Way
A note in response to a reader's question
What do you do when you don’t have time to grieve like you’d like to - when life gets in the way of death?
A.P.
Dear A.P. - thank you for reading and thank you for asking the question. I had not heard it phrased that way before, but it sure did make an impact when I read it.
I am a Virgo, which means I like order and things being *just so*. When things are put in their place and surfaces are shiny, I feel on top of the world! If only I could keep it that way. I am also a busy person; a parent, an employee, a boss, a student, a writer - and I travel for work. I would say about half the month I am on the top of my game. Laundry gets done daily, I can keep up on clutter and things are managed. But then something happens, either I over extend myself or I have to leave town…sometimes even for something fun, and everything goes to crap.
Things get put down and stay there, then get covered by other things. The laundry room collects all the clothes in the house, which are then laundered and put on the couch for eventual tackling. The kitchen - whatever. The kitchen just does what it does and no one knows how it happens. And then, A.P., when the house is disheveled and the content must be created and the Substack post must be written - I get angry.
Actually, first I get lazy. I lay in bed and wonder how it’s all going to get done. I scroll social media to distract myself and sometimes even binge watch something on Netflix, which is when you know I have really burnt myself out. Eventually I get up and I start - and then the dog needs something or the kid needs something or a phone call distracts me and ah! Then I get angry. If only I didn’t have to do several weeks worth of work in one Saturday, things might feel more manageable!
In a perfect world, things would never get like this. I’d get enough little things done each workday so I could take an hour on a Saturday to clean the kitchen (😡) plus whatever else, and then happily do my little side projects without feeling like I was neglecting my living space.
In the real world, sometimes we don’t have a choice. Sometimes, our obligations get in the way and we are left sitting in a mess and having to do real work to handle it, complete with unpleasant emotions making things worse.
What does my highest, best self do when the going gets tough?
Take a deep breath
Express my needs and ask for help
Handle one thing at a time, knowing that getting things back into place is a process.
Which is also my answer to your question.
I would hope that people would try to make time for grief. Get yourself to a support group, read books that apply to your experience, journal, cry, see a therapist - all that good stuff…but sometimes life just gets in the way.
And then you get depressed, and/or angry - not to mention sick, which is something else that happens to me when I go full throttle and don’t take good enough care of myself.
Eventually, you will be put in a position to have to grieve, because it doesn’t go anywhere, it just gets buried and festers. The good news is that all those same resources are ready and waiting for you, and you don’t have to do it alone.
I might also try this one gentle nudge as a preventative measure - everyone can find one minute at the end of the day to write or say a sentence, something that vibrates at that grief level. You could say, ‘I miss my mom today’. Or you could say ‘I wish I could tell my mom -’ these are just little ways you can open the door to grief, giving it a little air so it doesn’t have quite so much opportunity to grow in the dark.
We are busy people, and we have a lot of things pulling at us. This problem is real and prevalent, so if you find yourself in this position know that it is common. When you find yourself ready or needing to begin, take a breath, ask for help and take it one step at a time.
Do you have a question? Please visit me at www.mourningspace.com or send an email to goodmourning@mourningspace.com. I would love to share my response in a future Field Guide article.
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